Blago attempts to taint the jury pool through the airwaves

 

"I depart, but my stain shall always remain"

 

 

Rod Blagojevich ranted live on-air for several hours in an attempt to reach the last few people in Illinois to let them know just how innocent he is.

A couple in Orland Park who had been hiding out in a bomb shelter since the end of the Cold War, finally decided it was safe to come above ground.  Hearing Blago on the radio, the Orland Park couple has been quoted as saying, “This Rod Blagnovic guy seems like a stand-up citizen.  He really needs to run for public office.”

Greg Hinz details the self-serving rant, and how much more bearable it it coming from a radio host, that from a governor.  

And Blago still thinks he’s a politician.  It’s sad really.

Canadian Minister of Science a creationist, Bush appointee?

Just when you thought the grand ole US of A had the market cornered on crazy, comes this report from our neighbors to the north.  Take that you smug French-Canadians.  Yes, this means you Celine Dion.

 

Weird Al Interviews Celine Dion – Funny home videos are a click away

How to protect the rich from taxes

There is an entire industry devoted to this exact problem.  Many rich people step out of their bed every morning thinking, “I am rich and do not like paying taxes, who can I pay to lower my taxes?”

 The answer is anyone.  People like, Brent Bergan are featured in many an article from the heart of the housing boom.  Peter is “an attorney at Global Tax Network in Denver, which advises international corporations, individuals and small businesses on tax compliance.”  

Ah yes “tax compliance.”  That looks much nicer on the business card than “the kind of tax evasion that doesn’t get you thrown in jail”

Another guy you can pay to lower your tax bill,  Richard Cahan, insists that gone are the days where tropical tax haven can be use to evade income tax.  

Damn!  

what you find [instead] is most people setting up offshore trusts and offshore corporations for asset protection or divorce planning but no income tax evasion. They don’t want to go to jail.

So your job is to help them avoid jail?  Kind of like a mob attorney?  Let’s see I’m moving my assets around in a way that if not done exactly right . . . could land me in jail.  I better hire someone who knows how to walk the line of criminality without actually crossing it.

Please Mr. Cahan, go on.  

[My clients] come to me to ensure that their hard-earned wealth remains theirs and can be passed down to their families, as well as for legitimate and compliant offshore business planning.

Well that sounds nice.  Every American values the corporate responsibility that mega businesses to seek out “legitimate and compliant offshore business planning.”  Just make sure Mr. Cahan, that they are legitimate tax evasion methods.  I don’t want my tax evasion tainted by the scent of impropriety.  So where are you legitimately taking my money, anyhow?

many of [the legitimate offshore business planning hot spots] are the same tropical places which have gained notoriety as tax havens, and more recently, the home of flimsy corporate vehicles designed to evade taxes or conceal company debt.

I see.

Well nothing that’s made the news at least.  I don’t want to be associated with corporate crime.

Enron, for example, was recently revealed to have had 881 offshore subsidiaries, including 692 in the Cayman Islands alone, and many more in Turks and Caicos, Mauritius and Bermuda. Scandal-plagued companies like Parmalat and Halliburton used similar devices in the Cayman Islands, for one simple reason.

Tax Evasion!

Certain foreign countries have developed their own particular asset-protection laws, and they market themselves to people looking to set up offshore accounts,” says Thomas Wells, an attorney at Florida-based Berger Singerman

Right asset preservation, I keep forgetting to not call it tax evasion. Who am I preserving my assets from?  

What you find is most people setting up offshore trusts and offshore corporations for asset protection or divorce planning but no income tax evasion. They don’t want to go to jail.

I see a pissed off ex.  And from Uncle Sam getting his hands on my corporate profits, but not my income.  But wait, I’m the head of a large corporation is there anyway I can get my hands on corporate profits and put them in my bank account, but not in an income way because I heard Uncle Sam looks for that these days.

• Use a “Sham entity”

That seems like it could get a lot of people in trouble.

• You’re right.  Why don’t we just try to make middle-class people think that taxing the rich will inevitable lead to a tax on the poor?  Will that work?

Probably.

POLITICO: We Knew Obama Was Black All Along

You can’t get anything past the investigative journalism team over at Politico. While the rest of the nation was floored by the realization that Barack Obama was in fact a black man, POLITICO (which recently changed its name from Politico to POLITICO on the internet, presumably as an overture to the hard of hearing as well as foreigners) was deep into uncovering this mystery through out the campaign. It seems that Obama was sending secret coded messages to the black community that he was indeed one of them, all the while hiding his “blackness” to white America with extensive research and regurgitation of stuff white people like.

Reading through the official list of stuff white people is like reading through the obama campaign playbook. #1 is coffee. Search “Obama and Coffee” in google and you get 28 million results. Coincidence? I think not. In fact he followed the list so closely that he made it onto the list at #8 on January 19th 2008.

Having sealed up the white people endorsement, Obama proceeded to inform black people that he was indeed black. From POLITICO:

On matters of racial identity, many observers in the African-American community say he benefits from what’s known as “dog-whistle politics.” His language, mannerisms and symbols resonate deeply with his black supporters, even as the references largely sail over the heads of white audiences.

One of those references that sailed over the heads of white audiences was the color of Obama’s skin.

More from POLITICO (I apologize for shouting at you who are not hearing impared or foreigners):

John McWhorter, a linguist at the conservative Manhattan Institute, said that he believes that in Obama’s case coded messaging, which can be a matter of words, sound or grammar or all of them, is partly conscious because “he knows it arouses black audiences.”

“Black English, especially the cadence, is becoming America’s youth lingua franca, especially since the mainstreaming of hip-hop. Its sound conveys warmth, authenticity and a touch of seductive danger not only to blacks but many whites, especially ones below about 50,” McWhorter said. “Obama’s tapping into that cadence helped win him the election. Imagine John Kerry or Hillary Clinton saying, ‘Yes, we can!’ It would have sounded phony — only in what I call a ‘black-cent’ can it sound prophetic and arousing.”

And only in a “white-cent” can this not sound ridiculous:

Here are the secret messages spliced together. See if you can decipher what Obama’s really saying.

Newt Gingrich Supports Marijuana Legalization

 

Getting the wake n' bake in before morning services

 

 

At least that’s what I gathered from his remarks at CPAC today:

If you have a law so dumb that we are teaching 13 year-olds to break it, you probably oughtta change the law.

If we’re taking cues from 13 year-olds then the drinking and smoking age need to be repealed and this kid gets to be ambassador to Great Britain and the sentimental favorite ambassador.  

Also, these were too fun so I did a couple:

 

Newt letting his fans know that Arnold is Numero Uno

 

Relaxing with a toke during Congressional committee meetings

HERE COMES THE CHANGE: Republicans Caught with Pants Down

Give me a minute . . . I'm thinking of ways this is wasteful spending . . .

To the delight of confirmed marxists and the dismay of “real” Americans, Obama issued his ambitious, proletarian-revolution-leading budget today.  Dropping all pretense that he is not a Soviet spy from the past sent here as a manchurian candidate to destroy America’s capitalist paradise, Obama included in his budget billions for the renovation of statue park  and the restoration and modernization of Comintern headquarters to include larger Comintern posters and a swiffer sweeper for Lenin (it cost billions because its globe-sized).  This will inevitable lead to a middle-American revolution with a Bobby Jindal inspired rallying cry: “Chemical Castration for all!”  The system simply was not built to handle this much change.

Kenneth the Page Delivers Republican Response

Following President’s Obama ambitious outline of national priorities, the Republican response was delivered by Kenneth the Page – I mean Bobby Jindal.  In a stiff response delivered following a “something up my butt” walk up to the camera, Kenneth, I mean Bobby, made sure to touch on the important issues of the day – like don’t you think taxes are still too high and the left still thinks America sucks.  

In a response so disjoint from the President’s actual speech it seemed to have been recorded last week, Jindal clearly showed that people can’t trust the government because you know Bush fucked up Katrina.  He failed to mention that Bush fucked up the war too, but we still have to trust the government to take care of national defense.  Or maybe we shouldn’t.  The power of Jesus and the Magic of Capitalism will vanquish our enemies for us, Miss Lemon – I mean America.  

Thanks to Sadly, No! for the follow through

 

But let the main point be crystal clear, we can never trust the government to allow us to save our own friends from drownding, without getting insurance companies invloved.  Yeah, I don’t really get it either.  Anyhow, let’s buy up all the guns in the county and retreat to our bomb shelters.  Oh wait, no.  He advocated more tax cuts.  Shunning the old adage – fool me once shame on . . . shame on you . . . you can’t be fooled again – he retreated back to the old pool of solution on the right that has been drained out to the only popular solution left – paying off voters with tax cuts.  I can’t wait for more from Kenneth, er Bobby later.  

Jindal Responded

Housing Bailout Stimulates False Bottom Industries

Speculating that President Obama’s Housing Plan will create a nation-wide false-bottom on the housing market, many entrepreneurs have invested heavily in the false bottom industry that is intended to boom in the near to mid-term.  Their money has been funneled into areas as varied as desk drawers with a false bottom to magicians wardrobes with a false bottom.

Dave Profitiy, a venture capitalist from Seattle has poured 70 percent of his capital into false bottom making and utilizing businesses.  He insists that the risks are inconsequential, but the potential benefits are astronomical, “You’ve got false bottom wardrobes, tables, stages, hats, pockets, vases, what have you.  And that’s only magicians we’re talking about.  Then you’ve got your false bottom paranoia, you know for the rich to stow away their valuables.  Which leads into home furniture: coffee tables, bookshelves, sections of the flooring.  I mean there’s no end to the possiblities.  And moreover, in our lifetime the price of false-bottomed things has never gone down.  My projections are telling me that this is going to be a $4 trillion dollar business in 3 years.  You don’t want to miss out on this!”

Still others are focusing their investments more narrowly.  Jacob Moneyton, an investment banker in London, sees the U.S. Housing bailout as creating a whole new industry that didn’t previously exist: “So this housing bill is intended to help those that could be reasonably able to pay their mortgages with a slight decrease in monthly payment, right?  Well that still leaves a vast sea of humanity that has no chance of paying off their mortgages as they fall deeper into debt and their mortgages go deeper and deeper underwater.  This means the people on the false bottom will have water to float on, which means they will undoubtably want to see the source of the economic meltdown they are living in.  That source though is underwater.  THEREFORE, the hunger of econo-meltdown tourist for scenes of the meltdown will give rise to what I like to call ‘Why are we fucked?’ tourist.  And why we are fucked is underwater mortgages.  THEREFORE, we need glass bottom boats to let the tourist see underwater mortgages from the false bottom that they are happily floating on.  I can see it now, people lined up around the block waiting to get a glimpse of just how fucked we’d be if there wasn’t this false bottom to float on.  

And it doesn’t have to stop there.  I’m envisioning underwater hotels with views of the abysmal state of affairs below the false bottom.  This is guaranteed to make money risk free.  What do you say can I count you in for 10 grand?”